After a rough breakup you might feel like you never want to date again. But eventually, you will get over it and find yourself starting to think about dating again. Here are the signs that you’re ready:
1. You don’t think about your ex all the time. When you first break up, your ex is always on your mind. But, as time passes you go longer and longer without thinking about them. You’re ready to date again when you aren’t constantly thinking about them and can go more than a day without thinking about them and wondering what they’re doing.
2. You can picture a future without your ex. If you can start to see your future and it doesn’t involve your ex, you’re ready to start dating again. You may not know who your future partner will be, but you’re not ready to start dating if you can only think of your ex.
3. You aren’t doing it to make them jealous. You aren’t ready to date if you’re using it as a way of playing games to make your ex jealous. If you’re doing it for yourself, and for other positive reasons, then you’re ready.
The only red flag I’ve noticed is his relationship with his daughter’s mom. He resents their break up and her pregnancy with another man a month later. (No idea if this is true.) He doesn’t say bad things about her, but its painfully obvious that they don’t get along and he’s holding onto the anger. I hope the situation changes so they can visit each other more often.
Generally I don’t want to date parents, but she is 7, which is preferable than a toddler for me.
- Me: Do you often date black women?
- White Guy in Finance: I love black women! They're so beautiful. There's just something about them...
- Letmebegreat: *sips margerita, serving shade* For real?
- Me: -___- Like what? There are many beautiful white women. That one right there is watching you. Hahaha
- White Guy in Finance: But black women are different. Black women have this wild side-
- Letmebegreat and I lock eyes, shake our heads, and laugh at this ridiculousness.
- Letmebegreat: -___- Say what? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
- Me: What? White women are wild, too. You went to Georgetown. This should not be news to you. HAHA
- White Guy in Finance: I'm just saying--
- Me: Something offensive. What you're saying is offensive.
- Letmebegreat: HAHAHAHAHA Did you really say that? HAHAHAHAHAHA
- White Guy in Finance: I didn't mean it that way... um, would you guys like another drink?
- Letmebegreat: No thanks. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
- Me: I think we're fine. HAHAHAHAHAHA
im a nice guy and i talk to women that are attractive, cane or not
just don’t assume that women with canes/chairs/walkers/etc have no choice but to talk to you. :)
The saga continues. [This post is heteronormative and strictly based on a pattern I see in my own life.]
I seem to attract the same type of guys anytime I leave the house. Elderly white men, (like 65+ *shrug*), “the I’m getting my life togetha and I want you with me”* brotha, and these Nice guys. He seems nice, but that’s it! Nice, especially the insincere Nice just isn’t enough for me.
Nice is just a default, as is mannerly, educated, caring, and every other positive characteristic that men claim to embody when they are introducing themselves to you. You don’t get “nice points” from me because your approach was mannerly. That is to be expected (and of course, appreciated!) and any other type of approach will have me roll my eyes and walk away.
So why are seemingly nice guys so quick to forget that someone may not be interested in them, just because they are not?
- You may be nice, but I may not be available.
- You may be nice, but I may not be attracted to you.
- You may be nice, but you may be too young/ old/ short/ tall/ thin/ fat/ or any other extreme of the human condition.
- You may be nice, but you’re ________________________
- My standards haven’t changed because I have a cane.
- Are you, as the aggressor, lowering your standards to talk to me? The woman with the cane? Am I getting a pity-holla? LOL
If you think my standards should be lower because of my cane, you’re not a nice man. You are not doing me a favor by approaching me! You’re passive aggressive. And clueless. Most likely bitter. Misogynistic. And overall, not worthy of my time or attention.
If you wouldn’t approach a woman with a cane, or a prosthetic limb, or a wheelchair, then that’s your loss. Don’t try to do it for an easy number or possible sex. Trust, it won’t work with me. Perhaps someone else, but not me.
Nice guys, you are not doing me a favor by engaging in conversation, opening doors, or trying to get my number. I am approachable I’m told, so I expect people to make conversation with me. (Hey, it happens all the time with men and women that are not interested in me.) I have a cane and I’m short, so I hope people will help me open doors. (And hold the elevator, or ask if I need help, or give up their seat- this should have been covered in manners 101.) And most importantly, asking for my number should only cross your mind because you cannot fathom how an intelligent, friendly, and sexy woman like me could be single! My cane should have nothing to do with that decision.
*”the I’m getting my life togetha and I want you with me”* brotha needs his own little write up at a later date lol
Grrrr Tumblr, Grrrr. Missing E, help me out and send another update!
In other silly news, Medical is still calling me.
My silence should be an obvious hint since he didn’t understand “I’m not interested.”
Sooo…. a week before Friday I met a guy in public. We chatted for a bit and he asked for my number. He’s a father of one, nearly 30, in the medical field, and loc’d. Like any gentleman without plans should, he rode with me on the train to my stop, and walked me to the bus. From there, we parted ways. I’ll call him Medical.
I guess this man knows how to fly, because it hadn’t even ben 20 minutes before he called me. I ignored it; Iknow that’s rude, but I just got in… give me a second to take off my coat and shoes, ya know? lol Apparently, he never left the train station. Nevertheless, he left a very polite message.
He calls an hour later, I guess because He decided to go home, and I pick up. By this time, I was settled, but not expecting the third degree. Medical asks me 50-11 questions from my family life, to why I’m single, to how many ounces of water do I drink daily, to how often should married people have sex in a week.
Of course I expected some of those questions, but “Do you use your cane all the time? Maybe you don’t need all those medications?” are really grinding my gears. Then he asked when we could see each other. I told him to set up a date, and we would take it from there.
He calls every day, several times a day, insisting that I am perfect and we are meant to be together.
We agreed that he would pick me up from my job at 6pm, and we would catch a movie in Harlem. I didn’t get out until 6:15, so I phoned when I could; there was no response and no option to leave a message. By 6:30, I hadn’t heard from him. I started running my own errands, because I do not wait on late men. I call again at 7:00; again, no response.
I was finally finished with my errands at 7:15. I was on my way to the train, and happened to stop in Walgreens. My phone rings, and it’s Medical, full of excuses: he had to stay late, he has no more minutes on his phone, he woke up late, he forgot to pack a change of clothes, etc.
I check the time again, and I know this fool does not think I’m still seeing him. I told him that he is very late, it’s rude to not contact the person you are seeing. and I had made other plans. (I did; I was going to a happy hour with a friend downtown.) Then starts the whining: I never said I get off at 6, I get off at 7; I really want to see you, but I’m in a bad mood; I hate Harlem, I don’t want to go to that theater; how much are tickets; why did you make other plans; I’d rather go to Brooklyn; etc.
Again, I do not know you and I don’t owe you anything. You’re changing the story and raising your voice; I do not appreciate that at all and I have alternate plans! Hello, it’s been over an hour, and I expect a man that said, “I love you” the night before, would have planned better in order to impress me.
Going against my gut and tell him he he has 30 minutes to get where I am, or I will leave. Magically, he makes it right on time and is full of apologies. Obviously, I am not happy. I complain that as a disabled person, it is very difficult for me to be flexible because my body is not. I tell him that I am hungry, I want a drink, and I’m missing the Brooklyn Nets game. Finally, the date gets started.
Dinner is fine, except Medical keeps commenting on how beautiful I am, and that God intends us to be together. How come God told you this, but not me? lol I focus on the game to avoid co-signing his statements. He finally stops, and we have a real conversation. The awkwardness on both of our ends seemed to dissipate, and we genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. After he paid for the check, he insists that we go to a latin jazz bar close by. I went, and had a great time dancing in my seat. Medical kept hinting at wanting to kiss me, but he was denied several times.
Overall, I was glad that I went despite the red flags that presented themselves. Do I suggest that other people do that? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I had cash on hand to take a cab if needed, extra medication just in case, and very little alcohol to be sure that my faculties were in check.
- He told me he loved me after 6 days. Now he says that he feels like he can fall in love with me.
- He calls women females… I shared my displeasure, and now he checks himself.
- He insists that I’m not seeing the real… ie, I’m not seeing that he’s a real dude, that wants me for me, and is ready to settle down. Huh? I just met you 9 days ago! This is not a movie; I’m not marrying you.
- He insists that we are meant to be.
- He lives with his mom.
- He didn’t plan our date after I explained that I prefer the man to set up the first date. (To me, this shows leadership qualities.)
- He has a young child. (I prefer to date men without children)
He wants to go out again. I told him that I would have to think about it because I’m busy. I don’t know if we’ll go out again because he is moving way too fast for my comfort. When he stops talking about the future, we have a good time.
- I had two great dates this week. I was able to refocus my energy on having a good time, rather than being angry about my lack of medication. If I physically can, I’m going out tomorrow, too.
- I have/had a fever today, but I went outside anyway. I couldn’t let myself wallow in my sheets and complain to my cat about the general incompetence/nonchalance of some medical professionals. Everything was cool until about 30 minutes ago. The fever + fibro + ms-ness started spinning me in one direction and left me on the floor fairly briefly. It was definitely a sign to go on home.
- I’ve been keeping roughly 75% of my food down; that’s good, but I’m constantly nauseous.
- One out of the four books I ordered arrived today. I love the feel of new book in my hands. From reading the first few paragraphs of the introduction, I like the author’s writing style and look forward to finishing this book.
- I wore a thrifted dress today. It’s warm and comfy and mod and bright. I’m going to wear it again for work on Monday. lol Judge all you want, but I love this $2.50 dress!
- I should do some lesson planning, room unfcuking and laundry. Of course, I barely have the energy to do those things, so I will probably window shop.
I promise, I am not ignoring my inbox. I will respond as soon as I can. I only have so many spoons a day! Lol
Yes, my date was fun. I did get to enjoy myself, my company, and my meal.
No, I have not been in a lesbian relationship. I have had a date with a lesbian woman before, but I didn’t realize it was a date at the time. We were pretty good friends, but she was outed by her family and moved to the West Coast. I haven’t been able to contact her since. :(
Yes, I have done a short post on dating with disabilities, but as a hetero black woman with an invisible illness, my experiences are limited. I was asked to make another post about being noticed as a viable (and sexual) being, and I think I can do that without being heteronormative or abled-centric.
No, I am not sure about Trans-friendly dating places because I worry about safety. A transfriendly establishment may be fine and dandy inside the space, but getting to and leaving the place safely would be my primary concern. (In short, people are nasty and ignorant, so I wouldn’t feel comfortable reccomending a place that a transpeople haven’t validated.)
He said he was going to cook for me…so, of course, I wanted to see if his cooking would be edible.
We took a walk to the store for some last minute items, and I was skeptical. Many men tell me that they can cook, but all they can do is fry some bacon and put leftovers in the microwave.
Well, I was very, very wrong.
Juicy, pan seared, fall-off-the-bone-ribs in a secret sauce with hand mashed potatoes. SO MUCH YUM.
I love how he casually mentions, “Oh yeah… I took culinary classes a little while back. I have cerification and everything.” Well dang… just put me to shame!
Ming was very happy to join us for dinner. I think he likes the camera.
Yesterday, at the movies. Dark Shadows wasn’t as good as I’d hoped.
Correction: I thought the movie would be more dark and Tim Burton-y, than dry humor.
Yesterday we had an indoor date. It was silly and fun, so I was able to ignore the pain in my knees and jello legs for a few hours.
And as always, he beat me at organizing my weekly pill case.
And I have the Rihanna 5-head.
What's the hardest thing about dating-while-disabled?
Hm… there are many things IMO. lol I’m inspired to make a full post about it in the future.
If you have an invisible illness: knowing when/how/if to disclose your disability.
If you have a visible disability: the smaller dating pool (many of the ignorant folk will sift themselves out due to assumptions about your disability) and finding common, fun, and accessible places/ activities/ events for your date.
And don’t be a POC or LGBTQ. The intersectionality of discrimination just makes dating harder and harder IMO.
I was about to say I can’t believe someone called you a drug addict but people are so fucking stupid I would believe anything at this point.
Have a good time on your date; it’s so nice to see hopeful posts about disabled people dating! Him carrying you is so romantic, it’s like from a romance novel *swoon*
Awww lol. I’m sure the scene looked more romantic than it felt at the time; I couldn’t feel my limbs, but I did feel very nauseous. lol And yes, we need more posts about dating while disabled; so many of us have a hard time managing our health and having enough social interactions. I hope more people post about their experiences.
Is dating harder with your health issues?
Hm… YES and NO. Good question.
YES: My health can be scary because most people don’t / won’t know what to do in case of an emergency. I try to be as transparent as possible. More generally, I believe my health makes me more of a target: I get far more attention (looks and approaches) when I have my cane out. I’ve heard that I get more attention because, honestly, I’m more confident now than I have ever been, but I’ve also been warned that I look naive, helpless, and welcoming. I don’t like being pitied, and I definitely don’t want to be approached by someone that thinks I’m easily impressed, or in need of male attention. I need to work on my ‘bitch’ face. Oh, and I can’t go out as much, so dates can be cancelled at the last minute. Most people don’t like that.
If I am in a relationship, I’m worried that my health will complicate things. It has in the past, so “in sickness and in health” hovers over many of my decisions.
NO: The ‘quality’ of men that approach when my cane is visible are generally educated, motivated, and marriage-minded. I am also approached by more non-MOC now than previously, so in theory, I have a wider pool of men to select from? lol I don’t know.